**this is more of an atempt to put words and complete some thoughts I’ve had for a while…the need to ‘get it out of me’ is what I am trying to answer and not hide behind the excuses and get to the bottom line of my motivations so if this is difficult to follow or sounds like a major whine-fest ..well..it’s not really meant to be enlightening for me readers per say. **
Big question number one posed by the faery seership book ” The Tree of Enchantment” is why am I compelled to this path, this change, this new way of living?
“What prompts you to move beyond the familiar? ” is the exact phrasing Orion uses in the book actually which strikes me because essentially, as humans we really appreciate the familiar and in fact I think it’s fair to say the most people strive for the stability that familiar routine brings in to their lives. To step beyond the norm, outside of the sleeper-self, is a necessary step in all spiritual journeys but becoming truly aware of the otherworlds is another beast entirely.
As silly as it may sound I am reminded of the Matrix, where Neo is introduced to the ” desert of the real” where everything he thought life was, no longer exists or had changed so much that it is entirely unidentifiable.
Morpheus tells Neo once “You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it.”
I can see why most people do not seek this sort of change and real connection with the otherworlds and beings. It is very scary to see yourself and beings that you have no concept of dealing with even.
But I cannot deny my heart. I ache after the truth of it. I’ve tried to ignore the shadows, the dreams, the nagging scream in my mind to wake up and be the truth of myself.
What prompts me to move beyond the familiar… is a basic character trait ( or flaw) of being eternally curious. I think it’s what spurred my love of books and knowledge I really wanted to know what other people knew and had seen but now that curiosity has moved to an apathy…I wake up, go to work, go to sleep …repeat and watch other people live, instead of doing it myself. I’m tired of living in my dreams.
I want to experience more in this life and I think it’s fair to describe it as divine discontent. A deep knowledge whispers though all the clutter and noise that I am more than this shell.
I want to find the balance between a true seeker with a dedicated purpose and the wildly flailing,running from one guidepost to the next looking for something to cling to so that my world makes sense that I feel now. I want the wonder back.
When I look for the curious fox-girl now she is hidden behind the cocoon I have woven around myself for protection.
I want and need the change deeply but moving beyond the veil is harder than I expected it to be. The fortifications are thick and the night is surely deep and dark.