Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.-the dali lama
This keeps coming up whenever I wonder about our decision to move back to a place that has a significant amount of emotional trauma and repression attached to it. (that experiance also was a part of learning who i was/am)
Without a doubt who I am, the oath I walk now is Who I Am but moving to Utah seems like walking the wrong direction on an escalator. (everyone stares and rolls their eyes and looks at you like you are crazy. people try to pull you off..it “dangerous and wrong”)
I dunno maybe that’s not the right analogy but for all the reasons I’m happy to go I’m also very sad. I worked very hard to stand up with my words, put actions behind them and to live my truth.
Moving to utah the first time changed my family in a mere matter of months. They didn’t laugh as much, we weren’t as close…our connection was gone. it was like someone turned the power off in the house. that move severly altered my perception of people and the world that first time. Until that point most people where honest, they disagreed with you but still liked you and genuinely cared for each other as a community.
then all of that stopped and now…when I’ve worked so hard to build a community (my tuatha and my husband) this is on the horizen.
I know I made this decision…WITH my husband. but it is still scary. the facts are that i attract lovely and wonderful people into my love that love and care for the earth and each other. yes NOTHING will EVER replace MY TUATHA. Ever! but eventually i will make friends in utah again. eventually I will go back to school like I desperatly long to do, my husband and i will get years of uninterrupted time together…and eventually I will learn the land and it’s spirit in Utah and start to develop a relationship with the gods and non-gods again.
I think it boils down to the fact I lost myself there once and survived…it’s difficult, even with all my strength and love , to face such a thing again.
yes this is an emotional post, eventually i will come down from it.
I know the dear spirits and gods are watching out for me. I know I’ll come back to visit Colorado while we live in utah (my tuatha would raise a raid for me if I didn’t, blue paint and all) and I know the dear spirits have plans for me..there is some lesson in store, for myself and other people. …
It’s a chance for me to live my truth. be who I AM without remorse or regret or guilt. (and that includes the pagan bit)
*tips a glass to the skies* Here’s to taking risks!