These last few months have been a time of quite, death and newness on all fronts. I’m learning how to listen despite my screaming monkey mind. I’m learning to appreciate the silence and be okay with not having responses to my constant questions.
My relationship with the Gods has been one of watching silently. They watch me and I stare back. Like strangers on a subway and our eyes keep catching glances. I know I have not yet come to the point of open discussion with them but at least we see each other now.
I’ve been focusing on my relationship with my ancestors, especially those that fought in wars to strengthen the protection and support that both my husband and I need. I’ve also felt a severe pull to communicate with them. Every night I spend five minutes at a small altar on the west wall of my house that has their pictures and some mementos of their lives. I try to talk with them and think about all the things we experienced together and strengthen their memory in my heart. I do get small whispers of answers when I speak with them, usually a very simple yes or no or a feeling of warmth in my heart.
I think finally letting go of the expectation that something WILL happen (when I meditate, call on the gods and dear spirits, or take a mindful walk in the forest) has allowed a part of my heart to open up. Those things will come in time I’m sure. Not to say that I haven’t had experiences that guide me on, or else I wouldn’t be here…but it’s nothing mind boggling or intense ( super-pagan experiences: ” Brighid came to me in a dream and spoke to me ” or something of the like”)
It’s not about being content or not working on strengthening the signal so to speak, but I think there is something to be said for being okay with silence now and then, just like in human relationships, you can’t be talking all the time. I’m not sure if this really makes much sense though.
I’m still actively studying in my Oblaire program and considering taking on the challenge of hermetic magic. (still trying to decide if it’s really right for me or if I’m just intrigued by it’s sparkle) I’m mapping out trails and hiking trips for the warmer weather to get outside a lot more..I’m a pathetic home-body these days and I still work on my personal study with the gods and goddesses, dear spirits and ancestors in the quite calm.