I’ve had a difficult time meditating as I promised on the weekends. I think part of it is due to logistical reasons as it is the day I have to clean and do laundry and chores that don’t get done during the work week. I also think I’m having a difficult time answering the question ‘Who am I?’ as we are directed in our druid training to do. I originally thought it was becuase I was afraid of what my answer would be and now I think I am afriad there will be no answer.
I try to see myself without the general labels of ‘wife’, ‘woman’, ‘provider’, ‘student’, ‘druid’, ‘pagan’ etc and see who that person is and not be as connected to the labels, as important as those jobs are.
Maybe I am trying to delve to deep to fast. Some night I do focus on questions like..” what is woman to me and why do I fit that identity?”but other nights I have to fuss with myself to keep my mind on track and the cats are rambunctious or the nieghbors tv is insanely loud.
I am also continuously frustrated by the fact that as of yet my experiences with the spirit of place, gods or the good people are not as strong as I want.I don’t get strong feelings of acceptance or good visualizations, just messages of ‘not yet.’ and ‘keep going’
I’ve not had my deities answer me strongly. I want to find that internal path which lights my way to them but I have so far been unable to. I continue to persist with my studies as I can.
I felt I’ve been at this state of frustration for a long time….but still I continue.