I have to admit I’ve been pretty miserable today for no “good” reason. I have a lot on my mind really…mostly what I’m going to do with myself if my husband is deployed again and if I can mentally survive it. (which I seem to be having great doubts about and am considering just committing myself to a mental institution as a preemptive action)
I’m also having struggles with how to continue walking this path. I have a great outline, an amazing tuatha and an incredible place to practice ( and maybe it’s just the winter blues) but in the effort to try and manage my time the best way possible I feel much is lost in my search for “enlightenment…but enlightenment isn’t really what I’m looking for. I’m just searching for my soul. Those familiar gods and goddesses and that sweet joy. I know most of this yuckyness is due to the fact that I’m worrying about and almost sure deployment 7 months down the road and maybe what is bothering me most is how to use what I know spiritually to help me with this truck load of bullshit I feel I have to deal with again.
It could be meer selfishness too…I already spent a year without him I do NOT want to do it again regardless of why everyone tells me it’s important…I am proud of him because he is my husband and a good, hard working man who does his job well but I can not survive if he does not. and I don’t want to risk that again. I know I choose this position as a military wife willingly and at a time when I knew we would be deployed often….but now….my feet have no path and my eyes see no trail through this and I am certainly afraid.
I am semi-familiar with what my heritage and path feels about war, leadership and everything else that goes along with trying to fit an ancient belief system into a modern world. (and maybe I’m still to used to things just being revealed and told to me, how i should think and feel because it is written down or told this way or that….I just don’t know right now)
Dear Spirits, Ancestors…Gods and non-gods …guidance is what is needed now. I look to those heroes and gods, goddesses and heroines but it is hard to see what truths will assist me now.
…and maybe none of this makes sense but i needed to sort it out somehow so I could sleep tonight.